I did it

I did it.

And I am not proud of it... at all.

Today, after 4 years of unconditional patience, I laid my hands on my son. I am truly ashamed of myself. It has been a though week, not to mention heavily pregnant, feeling useless, tired all the time, and obviously not myself. Hubs had to work all weekend and thus, I had to stay home to look after the kids. I'm fine looking after the kids. In fact, I love having to do things with them. However, Ethan has been behaving rather difficult lately. Perhaps he is now feeling restlessly restless as it's the school break now, and he is out of his routine. I know I should take some time off to spend with him, but with my condition like this, being in my 34th week into my pregnancy, I'm feeling frustrated as I am not able to move about and be my usual self.

And hence, I think, after a very long week, I lost. For once, I looked at my son's face while I swung my right hand upon his thigh. It was while I was dressing him up for bed, and he was his usual self, being all jumpy, restless, jovial, carefree and not being able to be still even when I have asked him to be. He looked back at me, in a state of shocked, surprised and started tearing. Those tears tore my heart. I had to hold my tears too when I saw him cry. I think he never expected that, not from his mummy.

He didn't stop sobbing for quite some time. After a while, I had to pull him out of the room, and we had a one on one talk. This was how it went:

M: Ethan, what did mummy say?
E: Have to listen to mummy and daddy.
M: Is Ethan a good boy?
E: (sobbing) Yes, Ethan is a good boy.
M: When mummy say its time to go, means
E: It's time to go.
M: When mummy say its time to change, means
E: It's time to change
M: Ethan have to listen to..
E: (sobbing) Daddy and mummy
M: What do you say to mummy?
E: (sobbing) sorry mummy.
M: Ok, its enough. No more crying. Let's go back to the room.
E: Sobbing...
M: Mummy give you a hug...
E:  I want to go back to the room.

He actually knows what and how to be obedient. Somehow, he is just wanting to retaliate or as what hubby will say, testing us and his limits, and see how far he can go.

No matter what, I am regretting my actions. I'm speechless on how I can do this to my son. My first born. I am truly sorry. I should have done better.

I'm writing this down as a reminder that I should and will do better... in future.
It's going to be tough, but I won't make it an excuse.

Dear Lord, please help.