Simply breathtaking.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Thursday, December 13, 2012
I did it
I did it.
And I am not proud of it... at all.
Today, after 4 years of unconditional patience, I laid my hands on my son. I am truly ashamed of myself. It has been a though week, not to mention heavily pregnant, feeling useless, tired all the time, and obviously not myself. Hubs had to work all weekend and thus, I had to stay home to look after the kids. I'm fine looking after the kids. In fact, I love having to do things with them. However, Ethan has been behaving rather difficult lately. Perhaps he is now feeling restlessly restless as it's the school break now, and he is out of his routine. I know I should take some time off to spend with him, but with my condition like this, being in my 34th week into my pregnancy, I'm feeling frustrated as I am not able to move about and be my usual self.
And hence, I think, after a very long week, I lost. For once, I looked at my son's face while I swung my right hand upon his thigh. It was while I was dressing him up for bed, and he was his usual self, being all jumpy, restless, jovial, carefree and not being able to be still even when I have asked him to be. He looked back at me, in a state of shocked, surprised and started tearing. Those tears tore my heart. I had to hold my tears too when I saw him cry. I think he never expected that, not from his mummy.
He didn't stop sobbing for quite some time. After a while, I had to pull him out of the room, and we had a one on one talk. This was how it went:
M: Ethan, what did mummy say?
E: Have to listen to mummy and daddy.
M: Is Ethan a good boy?
E: (sobbing) Yes, Ethan is a good boy.
M: When mummy say its time to go, means
E: It's time to go.
M: When mummy say its time to change, means
E: It's time to change
M: Ethan have to listen to..
E: (sobbing) Daddy and mummy
M: What do you say to mummy?
E: (sobbing) sorry mummy.
M: Ok, its enough. No more crying. Let's go back to the room.
E: Sobbing...
M: Mummy give you a hug...
E: I want to go back to the room.
He actually knows what and how to be obedient. Somehow, he is just wanting to retaliate or as what hubby will say, testing us and his limits, and see how far he can go.
No matter what, I am regretting my actions. I'm speechless on how I can do this to my son. My first born. I am truly sorry. I should have done better.
I'm writing this down as a reminder that I should and will do better... in future.
It's going to be tough, but I won't make it an excuse.
Dear Lord, please help.
And I am not proud of it... at all.
Today, after 4 years of unconditional patience, I laid my hands on my son. I am truly ashamed of myself. It has been a though week, not to mention heavily pregnant, feeling useless, tired all the time, and obviously not myself. Hubs had to work all weekend and thus, I had to stay home to look after the kids. I'm fine looking after the kids. In fact, I love having to do things with them. However, Ethan has been behaving rather difficult lately. Perhaps he is now feeling restlessly restless as it's the school break now, and he is out of his routine. I know I should take some time off to spend with him, but with my condition like this, being in my 34th week into my pregnancy, I'm feeling frustrated as I am not able to move about and be my usual self.
And hence, I think, after a very long week, I lost. For once, I looked at my son's face while I swung my right hand upon his thigh. It was while I was dressing him up for bed, and he was his usual self, being all jumpy, restless, jovial, carefree and not being able to be still even when I have asked him to be. He looked back at me, in a state of shocked, surprised and started tearing. Those tears tore my heart. I had to hold my tears too when I saw him cry. I think he never expected that, not from his mummy.
He didn't stop sobbing for quite some time. After a while, I had to pull him out of the room, and we had a one on one talk. This was how it went:
M: Ethan, what did mummy say?
E: Have to listen to mummy and daddy.
M: Is Ethan a good boy?
E: (sobbing) Yes, Ethan is a good boy.
M: When mummy say its time to go, means
E: It's time to go.
M: When mummy say its time to change, means
E: It's time to change
M: Ethan have to listen to..
E: (sobbing) Daddy and mummy
M: What do you say to mummy?
E: (sobbing) sorry mummy.
M: Ok, its enough. No more crying. Let's go back to the room.
E: Sobbing...
M: Mummy give you a hug...
E: I want to go back to the room.
He actually knows what and how to be obedient. Somehow, he is just wanting to retaliate or as what hubby will say, testing us and his limits, and see how far he can go.
No matter what, I am regretting my actions. I'm speechless on how I can do this to my son. My first born. I am truly sorry. I should have done better.
I'm writing this down as a reminder that I should and will do better... in future.
It's going to be tough, but I won't make it an excuse.
Dear Lord, please help.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Katelyn
25 oct 2012
I will always tell my friends or whoever I speak to of how difficult it was when I was pregnant with her. When comparing notes on nausea or "morning sickness", I can tell one I had the full works: migraine, flu, this is classic - 'facial congestion?", food poisoning, frequent feeling of faint due to low blood pressure, heartburn, very-very bad case of varicose and spider veins, lost of appetite due to nausea (could not down anything else except for RIBENA), no coffee, no tea, no MILO, no milk, sometimes I could take Nestum or Horlicks but most of the time was just RIBENA. Could not eat much as I had nausea till the last trimester of my pregnancy. Man, that was difficult.
However, as we waited patiently for her, I couldn't help but often wonder how she would look like. I suppose this will always be a REAL surprise as I will never know how my kids would look like until that magical moment after the last push, where we will finally meet face to face.
I have to admit that I was really excited and have been waiting for her for the longest time. Of course we had our fair share of ups and downs in between Ethan and having her. However, her arrival into our lives is really God's plan and God's promise of mercy and love. When we found out the gender, I basically was a little apprehensive and worried as we committed ourselves financially over some huge spending. But God's promise of providence and abundance flowed into our lives that I didn't have to buy much baby essentials for her as we were blessed with a wonderful neighbor who gave us everything pink anyone mother could think of. (I have a pink baby potty, pink toy vacuum cleaner, pink pajamas, pink clothings.... and the list goes on). I truly believe it was the gracious Lord working.
However, preparation was tedious as I had to get baby stuffs washed and cleaned up, and the house to tidy up.
Anyway, these are some details I would like to remember and perhaps could even tell Katelyn when she grows up.
Due date : 18 Dec 2011
and so,..
on the 1st Dec 2011,
an appointment was schedule with my gyne, Dr Fong for a regular check-up. Was timing my contractions and thought they were quite strong. Counted them, and it was somewhat consistent. Once in every 15-20 mins. He had a busy as usual, and so i told the nurses i was having contractions. once in every 20 mins or so. However, I was still fine. Drama happened when I was told to go to the labour ward. Gee, shouldn't have done so. They strapped me into the CTG machine to check on my contractions. Sure enough, there were contractions. However, there were not as strong. Checked my dilation, about 2 cm. So, I was just resting on the bed, not doing anything in specific. The ultimatum came from my gyne, to be admitted into the labour ward for "observation". Urgh... I didn't think it would be like this as tomorrow (2nd dec) would be Ethan's birthday and of course I would like to be with him instead. However, the gyne took no chances but stood firm on this decision. To be admitted for observation.
2nd Dec 2011
Woke up, and hubby came by after breakfast. I could take "home leave" to sort out my work in the office, and later went home for lunch and spend a short birthday afternoon with my only child (then), he was my world. I remembered it being really emotional for me because it will soon be him and "a sibling" and no longer him ONLY anymore. Ethan had been the only one in our lives for the past 3 years. I has been really-really good with just him. We traveled, we did things together as a family of 3, we had simple meals and it wasn't hard at all. I have to say he was all we ever wanted. However, now that The Lord decides to bless us with another member in the family, I am truly humbled and couldn't have asked for more.
3rd Dec 2011
Took another home leave. This time, we went over to SS2 Mall to celebrate dear Chloe's 1st birthday. Those who attended the party were rather surprised to see my appearance. And so I had to explain to them, that I was actually on home leave. The hospital was actually still monitoring me. It was a good outing for me, also taking my mind off the whole going into labour process. We brought Ethan to the birthday party as well, and boy, of course he enjoyed himself thoroughly. This boy loves outings, any sorts. And after a good 3 day of hospitalization, the 4th day was right on the dot - 38 weeks into my pregnancy. At 7pm, when I reported back to my "temporary suite", the nurse on duty told me that my gyne is suggesting that I should be induced as I had dilation and also irregular contractions. It will be the following day, 4th Dec. I was quite hesitant, but also anxious as I didn't know how long I will have to stay in the hospital. I agreed.
4th Dec 2011
7am - the nurses came into my room broadly smiling and asking if all was good with me. Had the tastiest jam and wholemeal bread for breakfast (didn't quite understand why it tasted so good), and then they got my to change to the hospital gown, ready for labour room check-in. Gee, it felt scary and at the same time relief as baby I knew baby was finally coming today. At 8am in the labour room, the nurse came in, all cheery on a nice Sunday morning, told that they will insert the laxative for me to past motion. In less than 3 minutes, I was in the toilet, passing out my nice strawberry and butter sandwich. Soon, they brought in their ..... And I saw my old friend, a pint of pitocin. Somehow, I have developed a love hate relationship with it. I hate it as it caused me so much pain while being induced when delivering Ethan. Love it as it really helped with escalating the dilation and labour process. Gee. I wondered how bad it'll be this time round as again, I opted for no epidural. They started Pitocin at 9am, with a slow 5mU/min. I was still looking around, talking to hubby and SMILING. At 10 am, I was 4 cm dilated. They increased it to 10 mU/min. I could feel it coming, not the baby but the pain! 11am, apparently my gyne instructed them to increase it to 15 mU/min. I was 5.5cm dilated. The pain was kicked in, and I was praying under my breath. At 12 noon, I was crying, screaming and yelling. Progress was slow, pain was unbearable, no signs of labour yet. Oh dear Lord. I could not hold it any longer. I was already thinking about what-it .. C-section? Screaming on top of my lungs for another hour. Finally, I was asked to push, at about 1.15pm. My gyne was supposedly on his was as he was having lunch. At 1.54pm, she finally came out. And there is she, my precious precious darling. Katelyn Chong Xin Yi.
Born, 4th December 2011
Weighing 2.97kg.
Her birthing story...
I will always tell my friends or whoever I speak to of how difficult it was when I was pregnant with her. When comparing notes on nausea or "morning sickness", I can tell one I had the full works: migraine, flu, this is classic - 'facial congestion?", food poisoning, frequent feeling of faint due to low blood pressure, heartburn, very-very bad case of varicose and spider veins, lost of appetite due to nausea (could not down anything else except for RIBENA), no coffee, no tea, no MILO, no milk, sometimes I could take Nestum or Horlicks but most of the time was just RIBENA. Could not eat much as I had nausea till the last trimester of my pregnancy. Man, that was difficult.
However, as we waited patiently for her, I couldn't help but often wonder how she would look like. I suppose this will always be a REAL surprise as I will never know how my kids would look like until that magical moment after the last push, where we will finally meet face to face.
I have to admit that I was really excited and have been waiting for her for the longest time. Of course we had our fair share of ups and downs in between Ethan and having her. However, her arrival into our lives is really God's plan and God's promise of mercy and love. When we found out the gender, I basically was a little apprehensive and worried as we committed ourselves financially over some huge spending. But God's promise of providence and abundance flowed into our lives that I didn't have to buy much baby essentials for her as we were blessed with a wonderful neighbor who gave us everything pink anyone mother could think of. (I have a pink baby potty, pink toy vacuum cleaner, pink pajamas, pink clothings.... and the list goes on). I truly believe it was the gracious Lord working.
However, preparation was tedious as I had to get baby stuffs washed and cleaned up, and the house to tidy up.
Anyway, these are some details I would like to remember and perhaps could even tell Katelyn when she grows up.
Due date : 18 Dec 2011
and so,..
on the 1st Dec 2011,
an appointment was schedule with my gyne, Dr Fong for a regular check-up. Was timing my contractions and thought they were quite strong. Counted them, and it was somewhat consistent. Once in every 15-20 mins. He had a busy as usual, and so i told the nurses i was having contractions. once in every 20 mins or so. However, I was still fine. Drama happened when I was told to go to the labour ward. Gee, shouldn't have done so. They strapped me into the CTG machine to check on my contractions. Sure enough, there were contractions. However, there were not as strong. Checked my dilation, about 2 cm. So, I was just resting on the bed, not doing anything in specific. The ultimatum came from my gyne, to be admitted into the labour ward for "observation". Urgh... I didn't think it would be like this as tomorrow (2nd dec) would be Ethan's birthday and of course I would like to be with him instead. However, the gyne took no chances but stood firm on this decision. To be admitted for observation.
2nd Dec 2011
Woke up, and hubby came by after breakfast. I could take "home leave" to sort out my work in the office, and later went home for lunch and spend a short birthday afternoon with my only child (then), he was my world. I remembered it being really emotional for me because it will soon be him and "a sibling" and no longer him ONLY anymore. Ethan had been the only one in our lives for the past 3 years. I has been really-really good with just him. We traveled, we did things together as a family of 3, we had simple meals and it wasn't hard at all. I have to say he was all we ever wanted. However, now that The Lord decides to bless us with another member in the family, I am truly humbled and couldn't have asked for more.
3rd Dec 2011
Took another home leave. This time, we went over to SS2 Mall to celebrate dear Chloe's 1st birthday. Those who attended the party were rather surprised to see my appearance. And so I had to explain to them, that I was actually on home leave. The hospital was actually still monitoring me. It was a good outing for me, also taking my mind off the whole going into labour process. We brought Ethan to the birthday party as well, and boy, of course he enjoyed himself thoroughly. This boy loves outings, any sorts. And after a good 3 day of hospitalization, the 4th day was right on the dot - 38 weeks into my pregnancy. At 7pm, when I reported back to my "temporary suite", the nurse on duty told me that my gyne is suggesting that I should be induced as I had dilation and also irregular contractions. It will be the following day, 4th Dec. I was quite hesitant, but also anxious as I didn't know how long I will have to stay in the hospital. I agreed.
4th Dec 2011
7am - the nurses came into my room broadly smiling and asking if all was good with me. Had the tastiest jam and wholemeal bread for breakfast (didn't quite understand why it tasted so good), and then they got my to change to the hospital gown, ready for labour room check-in. Gee, it felt scary and at the same time relief as baby I knew baby was finally coming today. At 8am in the labour room, the nurse came in, all cheery on a nice Sunday morning, told that they will insert the laxative for me to past motion. In less than 3 minutes, I was in the toilet, passing out my nice strawberry and butter sandwich. Soon, they brought in their ..... And I saw my old friend, a pint of pitocin. Somehow, I have developed a love hate relationship with it. I hate it as it caused me so much pain while being induced when delivering Ethan. Love it as it really helped with escalating the dilation and labour process. Gee. I wondered how bad it'll be this time round as again, I opted for no epidural. They started Pitocin at 9am, with a slow 5mU/min. I was still looking around, talking to hubby and SMILING. At 10 am, I was 4 cm dilated. They increased it to 10 mU/min. I could feel it coming, not the baby but the pain! 11am, apparently my gyne instructed them to increase it to 15 mU/min. I was 5.5cm dilated. The pain was kicked in, and I was praying under my breath. At 12 noon, I was crying, screaming and yelling. Progress was slow, pain was unbearable, no signs of labour yet. Oh dear Lord. I could not hold it any longer. I was already thinking about what-it .. C-section? Screaming on top of my lungs for another hour. Finally, I was asked to push, at about 1.15pm. My gyne was supposedly on his was as he was having lunch. At 1.54pm, she finally came out. And there is she, my precious precious darling. Katelyn Chong Xin Yi.
Born, 4th December 2011
Weighing 2.97kg.
Her birthing story...
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Monkey Business
Today, we had dinner at about 7pm. My mum made dinner, and obviously the menu looked somewhat like vege 1, vege 2, vege 3 and meat 1. So it was 3 dishes of vegetables and 1 portion of meat. On top of that, we had the very healthy organic brown rice.
So Ethan had his dinner. Half a bowl of organic brown rice, some chicken, shitake mushroom and soup. I think it was quite a substantial serving.
At about 9-ish, when the daddy was having a banana, apparently Ethan wanted too. I bought some Cavendish bananas this afternoon. (I never buy Cavendish as I believe that Berangans are the best when in Malaysia. Also, Berangans are half the size of Cavendish and obviously its easier to manage eating them as there are not too big). So he took half of daddy's banana and wanted another one!
My husband reported to me what happened. ..
Hubs: Ethan had 2 bananas just now...
Me: TWO?
Hubs: Well, one and a half. I was eating mine and he wanted mine. So i gave him my half and and he asked for another one.
Me: Eyes opened wide...
Hubs: He said he's a monkey...
.... My eyes rolled ...
So Ethan had his dinner. Half a bowl of organic brown rice, some chicken, shitake mushroom and soup. I think it was quite a substantial serving.
At about 9-ish, when the daddy was having a banana, apparently Ethan wanted too. I bought some Cavendish bananas this afternoon. (I never buy Cavendish as I believe that Berangans are the best when in Malaysia. Also, Berangans are half the size of Cavendish and obviously its easier to manage eating them as there are not too big). So he took half of daddy's banana and wanted another one!
My husband reported to me what happened. ..
Hubs: Ethan had 2 bananas just now...
Me: TWO?
Hubs: Well, one and a half. I was eating mine and he wanted mine. So i gave him my half and and he asked for another one.
Me: Eyes opened wide...
Hubs: He said he's a monkey...
.... My eyes rolled ...
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Nothing Happened!?!
Last night, Ethan was struck by some major virus which caused him to vomit out whatever he ate. It all started with him getting up on Monday morning with a sore right eye (It looked red and puffy). With Ethan, it's quite easy to identify if he's not well. He'll get puffy eyes, just like good ol' daddy! He then told me that he wasn't well, and didn't want to go to kindy. He doesn't normally claims that he is sick. And so he headed to grandma's for the day.
At the same time, hubby was also down with some strange viral attack. Persistent fever, chills, massive body aches and stomach discomfort. He has been down for 4 days, and no signs of improvement. We'll have to decide tomorrow when he gets up, if his condition gets better. Else, we'll probably have to get him admitted to the hospital and get serious help. We'll see how.
And so, yes, the big picture; the two boys are down. Anyway, during midday yesterday, I received an SMS from hubby saying that Ethan was vomiting all his food and also had a slight fever. Gave the lil champ some parmol, and obviously, it came out as well. So, imagine, he could take nothing.
By dinnertime, the poor fella only had one miserable piece of butter cookie. he stomached that ok. When I got back from work, the 'hero'-side of me thought the poor boy must be hungry. I offered a slice of cheese.
Bad bad move.
2 tiny bites into the creamy slice of cheese, everything came out (including the miserable butter cookie). Sigh...
And so, he literally had nothing for almost the whole day. Gave him some water, a little bit of jokes (at this point, he gets REALLY amused with this incomprehensible word 'automerg?'), lots of comfort, and a stroke on his head before I send him to bed.
4.15am. He woke me up asking for fresh fresh milk. I told him he can't take it as he is not well.
Gave him some water, and he still insisted on milk. So, i told him that I'll get something for him from the kitchen and told him to wait for me in the bedroom. At 4.30am, as I walked into my kitchen, I asked myself if MILO was a good choice. I had to try. My little champ is obviously hungry and thirsty. And so I prepared half a cup of MILO for him. He took one big gulp and the next thing I knew, he was walking calmly towards the bin, flung the lid open and threw up half the cup of MILO he just drank. When he was done, he closed the lid, went back straight to the dining table and continued chomping down his one piece of plain Gardenia Bread. When he was done, (with just 1 piece of bread)he headed back to the room and went back to sleep as if nothing had ever happened.
My son, and like how he'd always exclaim: "Nothing Happened!" and life goes on.
Right now, I'm seriously worried. Hubby's not getting any better and Ethan was only on soft diet this whole day. I do hope and pray that both the boys will be up again.
I do miss them, ... quite miserably.
At the same time, hubby was also down with some strange viral attack. Persistent fever, chills, massive body aches and stomach discomfort. He has been down for 4 days, and no signs of improvement. We'll have to decide tomorrow when he gets up, if his condition gets better. Else, we'll probably have to get him admitted to the hospital and get serious help. We'll see how.
And so, yes, the big picture; the two boys are down. Anyway, during midday yesterday, I received an SMS from hubby saying that Ethan was vomiting all his food and also had a slight fever. Gave the lil champ some parmol, and obviously, it came out as well. So, imagine, he could take nothing.
By dinnertime, the poor fella only had one miserable piece of butter cookie. he stomached that ok. When I got back from work, the 'hero'-side of me thought the poor boy must be hungry. I offered a slice of cheese.
Bad bad move.
2 tiny bites into the creamy slice of cheese, everything came out (including the miserable butter cookie). Sigh...
And so, he literally had nothing for almost the whole day. Gave him some water, a little bit of jokes (at this point, he gets REALLY amused with this incomprehensible word 'automerg?'), lots of comfort, and a stroke on his head before I send him to bed.
4.15am. He woke me up asking for fresh fresh milk. I told him he can't take it as he is not well.
Gave him some water, and he still insisted on milk. So, i told him that I'll get something for him from the kitchen and told him to wait for me in the bedroom. At 4.30am, as I walked into my kitchen, I asked myself if MILO was a good choice. I had to try. My little champ is obviously hungry and thirsty. And so I prepared half a cup of MILO for him. He took one big gulp and the next thing I knew, he was walking calmly towards the bin, flung the lid open and threw up half the cup of MILO he just drank. When he was done, he closed the lid, went back straight to the dining table and continued chomping down his one piece of plain Gardenia Bread. When he was done, (with just 1 piece of bread)he headed back to the room and went back to sleep as if nothing had ever happened.
My son, and like how he'd always exclaim: "Nothing Happened!" and life goes on.
Right now, I'm seriously worried. Hubby's not getting any better and Ethan was only on soft diet this whole day. I do hope and pray that both the boys will be up again.
I do miss them, ... quite miserably.
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